The first scene opens on Sayid and his merry band of geometric love sides hiking through a field. Sayid is leading the trek followed by JuJu and then Kate. Jack is bringing up the back of the group, probably because he is getting a nice view of Kate's Badonkadonk. I bet you he would have answered a lot differently this time if she would have asked him the "checking me out question" now. The group splashes through a creek and Sayid stops them by saying that it's late and they'll make camp there. Jack strips off his backpack and says that he's going to get firewood. Without missing a beat, Miss Kate pipes up that she's going with him. But she's probably just eager to get him alone so she can tell her "good buddy Jack" all about her soulmate that's playing ping-pong and having a Luau waiting for her down at the beach. Jack and Jules catch each other's eye before Jate run off together to "gather firewood." Is that what we're calling it nowadays? Kate steps on a stick and smashes it in half, then Jack smashes a stick, then Kate smashes a stick, then Jack smashes a stick, then Kate picks up a stick, then Jack picks up a stick.... Either Jate have now become the dullest couple ever or there is a lot of unspoken *cough* sexual *cough* tension in the air and they are both taking it out on poor Mrs. Tree. "You want to talk about it?" Kate finally stops the tree-crushing madness to ask Jack. So I guess it was option two. We'll leave the dullest couple award to it's rightful spot on Jacket's shelf. "Talk about what?" Jack asks. Oh you know, just light stuff... how the weather's been, how Kate's thinking of changing her hairstyle, what you had for breakfast, how you fell under the spell of the branded beast... Just little things. Kate wants to talk about the week that Jack spent with the Others. He tells her about the deal that he made with them. "I just kept my head down, did what I was supposed to and I didn't ask any questions." he says. "And that's it?" she asks, surprised. Apparently, she can't understand (along with most of the population) how Jack could find himself at all attracted to the MuffinLady and thinks that there had to have been a serious brainwashing faze first. "That's it." he says shortly to her and walks off, leaving her staring after him at his Badonkadonk. Back to Sayid and Muffin, she is bathing in the stream with a rag while Sayid looks on. If I didn't like Sayid so much, I'd have to start shipping these two together. Juliet finally crumbles under Sayid's stare and says "Okay, let's have it." Sayid says that he wants to know the A to Z on the Others but first he wants to know who Juliet is. What? Does her reptilian skin and forked tongue not give her away? JuJu looks away and blinks her beady snake eyes as we go into transition of her first flashback.
Back to the torturer and his (hopefully) next victim, he is still asking Juliet who she is. Jules says that if she told Sayid everything she knows, he would kill her. Where's Sawyer with the alcohol? We need to get this chick talking, fast. Loose lips sink ships! "What do you think I'll do if you don't?" Sayid replies. Oooh, nice. Cancel Sawyer and the alcohol and somebody grab a bodybag instead. But before we can get to our fun JuJu death scene, somebody comes to interrupt it. Jack!!!! How dare you! Usually you're on the opposite side of these interruption scenes. So Jack the interrupter comes and tells Sayid to leave his precious grilled cheese princess alone. Juliet fights back a smirk as she thinks about how she's got the good doctor under her thumb. Kate looks around awkwardly and sets her firewood down. "Sooner or later, she'll answer my questions." Sayid says. Jack says that Juliet will answer Sayid's questions when she's ready and that Sayid will wait until then. Sayid and Jack have a staredown over who's the bigger boss. I vote Sayid for Island leader because I'm fairly sure his first act as leader would be to play a little game called "Pin the knife on the blonde donkey." "She's under my protection." Jack says, using his big boy voice. I swear, Jack, you better be double-crossing Juliet and playing her too because I will not hesitate to snark on you if I see you acting like Juliet's lapdog. Next to Sayid, Jack's always been the smart, rational one. He is usually two steps ahead of everyone else so it's hard for me to believe that he's not smart enough to see past Juliet's obvious game but then again it's not impossible for TPTB to write OOC. Look at what they did to Kate in the first six episodes. Jack walks off leaving Kate to hang her head over the sickening display of Jacket throat-cramming. Juliet looks up at Sayid and smirks, hell, she's practically doing raspberries at him. "Nyah, Nyah, Boo Boo... I got your Doctor."
At the beach, Charlie is making his way through TentTown when he hears a baby crying. He yells for Claire and then makes his way to her tent to find Aaron flipping out and squalling up a storm in his crib. He was having a nightmare about Skex being in the next episode. Charlie picks Aaron up and comforts him... "Shhh, shhh... Aaron... Jate is Fate... Shhh.... We must wait... Shhh..." So after Aaron calms down as he realizes how it will end, Charlie wakes Claire up. While Aaron was having a nightmare about Skex, Claire must have been having a nightmare about Jacketsex because she is totally zonked out. She mumbles something about it being boring and sterile and how it's making her so sleepy. Charlie finally manages to shake her out of her nightmare and she sits up. She didn't hear Aaron crying about Skex and asks if he's okay. Charlie says that Aaron's okay now and asks how she is. "I just feel a little bit off. I didn't sleep well." she says. Trust me, Claire, all the Jaters know exactly how you feel when you have a nightmare about Jacketsex. Charlie says that he's going to take Aaron and let Claire get some more rest. She agrees, which means she really must not be feeling well, because usually Charlie has to literally pry that baby out of her arms. This may be something far more serious than nightmares of Jacketsex.
As we go back to the jungle trek group, Sayid is hacking his way through the jungle while Kate follows closely behind him. He angrily chops at a plant as Kate looks at him in surprise. I know you hate Jacket, Sayid, but don't take it out on the plants. Actually, maybe you should take it out on THE PLANT....(Was that a subtle enough clue for everyone?) Jacket are trailing a little ways behind them. Juliet whines about Sayid not waiting up for them. Jack says that they'll come around eventually. She says that her people kept Sayid chained up for three days and then she dragged Kate out into the jungle and lied about it. "How much time do you think they need?" she deadpans and puppy-dog eyes him. Jack giggles. That's right, GIGGLES. She just admitted to dragging your girl, the girl you adore, the girl you would give your own life and freedom for, the girl who you only want to be happy, yeah THAT girl, out into the jungle of mystery. Punch her, Jack, spit in her eye, tell her she'll pay for what she's done. But instead he giggles. He jokes that they'll be back to the beach in a couple of hours and they'll be over it by then. Then they both giggle. Friggin marry her already, Jack. And then you can have 20 giggling blonde children together and eat grilled cheese sandwiches every day for the rest of your life. Okay, so I'm a little bitter about Jacket. It used to be Kate who was the one to make him giggle and I miss that. We all do. One big group hug as we all mourn our perfect season 1 romance. Not to fear though. Soon we'll be doing group hugs as we squee over our perfect season 4 jexfest. It's coming. "You nervous?" Jack asks. "Hell yes." she says. Yeah, you better be, Blondie. It's going to be hotter than anything since... Oh, I'm sorry you were talking about returning to the beach.
At the beach, Charlie is holding Aaron while Hurley is busy stirring something in the makeshift stove. Charlie tells him that he put in too much water but Hurley says that oatmeal is supposed to be soggy. I really hope they're cooking the oatmeal for themselves and not Aaron because a two month old baby should not be eating solid foods. Unless Aaron's some sort of Super Baby who's of uber-importance to the Island and is therefore able to digest oatmeal at a young age. That or else the writer's don't know much about babies. Speaking of babies, Sawyer comes up to them and jokes about the "three men and a baby." Charlie and Hurley stare at him in confusion until he explains that he counts Hurley twice. Then they just stare at him in disgust. Join the club, guys. Sawyer gets out some cereal from the beach pantry and pours it in a bowl. It looks like he's in a good mood, all bright-eyed and chipper. He must have gotten a good night's sleep last night with absolutely no worries or cares in the world to trouble his mind. Okay, last time I use that joke, I swear. I wouldn't want to turn into the writers and start making up entire episodes with only one line... "Who the hell are you?" Claire joins the group and asks if anybody's got any aspirin. Des says that she doesn't look very good. You're not going to get to be canon with comments like that, Des. Charlie tells her she should be in bed and she says that her head's pounding. Sawyer pops up and actually does the humane thing for once and offers to grab her some aspirin. Maybe he's trying to get to be canon. Sawyer starts to leave to get his love pills for his conmamma but before he can do that, he spots something down the beach. It's a bird. It's a plane. No, it's Super Jack. Sawyer's face falls. Damn. He was this close to becoming substitute Island leader and now the person with the real skills has to show up. "Son of a bi**h." he mumbles. See, I told you he would be upset. So Jack makes his way into the camp and they all turn to stare. To quote the promo guy... "Their leader has returned." The promo guys really must think Jack is Jacksus because they surrounded him with white light and played up the long-awaited reunion like it was the second coming or something. When was the last positive Sawyer promo? I can't even remember the "I Do" promo, but it had to go something like this... "Jack has loved her since their first meeting (show stitching scene), he has adored her from afar (passion fruit scene), he was not sorry she kissed him... This week, his heart will be broken by dirty cage sex...(two second shot of skex)." So as everyone rushes to greet Jack, Sawyer sighs as he sees Kate trailing behind him. Okay, I'm not totally blind. He was happy and relieved to see her even though I could try and play off that sigh as a disappointed sigh that now he would have to start acting like he actually gives a damn about his OTP instead of playing ping-pong and holding Luaus all day. Oh wait, I guess I still can do that. So Sawyer sighs as he gives up his dream of becoming Island ping-pong champion in order to play house with Kate. Jack hugs everyone and Kate gives this totally cute squeal to Hurley as he gives her a bear hug. Awww... I wanna ship Kurley. Sawyer stands off to the side as everyone greets each other. Finally he catches his crush's attention and Jack comes over to give him a handshake *cough* bigger man *cough*. They hug it out as Kate looks on. Finally we get to the scene that brought Ausiello, the manliest man ever to tears. Kate and Sawyer give each other a friendly hug. Okay, that about wraps it up for this shot. How many Skaters want to stab me right now? So as the tiny Skate hug comes to a close, Sawyer's attention gets sidetracked by someone down the beach. "What the hell is she doing here?" he says as everyone looks back to see JuJu. Didn't ya hear, Sawyer? Our cute little triangle has now become an ugly little quadrangle. Geometry sucks.
The next scene finds Jules sitting down in the sand looking out at the ocean. The rest of the camp can be seen behind her panicking and hurrying to the town meeting hall. It's sort of hilarious. They look back at her like she's going to start stealing their souls and eating their babies. I'm guessing the extras took the director's comments of "be nervous about the new girl" a little too far. I know she's not to be trusted and will eventually turn on them but they're outnumbering her 40 to 1 so I'm guessing they're probably fine for now. Apparently the only one who's not scared of her (besides her protector, Jack) is Hurley. He joins her on the sand and asks her if she's "one of them." "I'm Juliet." she says, cleverly side-stepping his question. Hurley says that he doesn't remember her from when the Others kidnapped them. "I had the day off." she jokes lightly. Hurley gives her a half-smile and asks her if she's a doctor. "I'm really more of a researcher." she says. Well that changes the whole criminal-criminal, doctor-doctor thing. It's doctor-researcher, now. Much better. "They send you over here to keep an eye on me?" Juliet asks. Hurley nods and she says "Okay." To explain why they're so suspicious of her, Hurley starts to tell her about the last time an Other came to the beach. He tells her how Ethan kidnapped Claire and "Charlie got upset." Upset? Just a smidge. I miss dark Charlie. So much more fun than the housewife he's been made into this season. Hurley points out the spot where they buried him. Was that a warning to Jules? Or does Hurley just want to show her where she can pay her respects to her old friend?
Back to the beach, the Losties are holding their "Should we burn the witch at the stake meeting?". Sun says that Juliet is one of the Others and Jack tells her that she's not anymore because they left her behind. Sawyer thinks they should ask Juliet where the Others went. Jack says she doesn't know. Sawyer says that they should let Sayid "do what he does" to her and then see what she says. Yeah Sawyer!!! WootWoot! Yes, this is still me writing. My computer has not been taken over by rabid Sawyerites. I will praise Sawyer whenever he furthers my Juliet torture scene fantasy. But Sayid puts the skids on that by saying he doesn't do that anymore. What the heck, Sayid? Did I or did I not praise your awesomeness? You better whip out those bamboo shoots fast or I might have to rethink my support for you as Island leader. Sayid conveniently says that he won't torture her (partypooper) but he doesn't trust her either. He wants her to answer his questions but Jack says to give her some time. As they argue, Charlie spots Claire come into the camp. He makes his way over to her but she's not looking too good. "The fact that I trust her should be enough." Jack declares, using his big boy voice again. "It's not." Sayid retorts. The only way I will feel bad about this is if this was all Jack's master plan to manipulate Jules but until then... Jack's an idiot. Wow... I praised Sawyer and bashed Jack? What the hell is going on here? Des asks where Locke went and Jack explains how he went with the Others after he blew up the sub that was going to take Jack off the Island. "They were going to let you go?" Sawyer asks. "Yeah." "Says who?" "Ben." "Ben? Whose life you saved..." Sawyer says, getting a cynical edge to his voice (okay so that's not exactly new... we just haven't heard it for a while with all the Luau and ping-pong fun going on). Kate stops him by telling him to lay off and that Jack did it for them. Sawyer says that it sounds like Jack did it for himself. Not true, but it's good that Sawyer can show his appreciation for the man who saved his life. Because whether Sawyer wants to admit it or not, if it hadn't been for Jack and that walkie-talkie, Kate's "pity-sex for the dead man" plan would have gone off without a hitch. As Jack argues and tells everyone how he was trying to get them rescued, Claire closes her eyes and falls into Charlie's arms. Charlie yells for Jack as Claire starts bleeding out her nose. They bring her over to her tent as Jack asks all his normal doctor questions. From outside the tent, Juliet joins the group and asks what happened to her. Jin says something in Korean and Sun translates. "What do you care?" Juliet rushes over to Kate who's going into her tent. She wants Kate to go get Jack. "He's busy right now." Kate says looking back at him. Didn't that sound like a totally Wifey thing to say? Pause for a moment while we all grin and imagine their wedding... Okay, back to the real scene. "You want to tell me why you need Jack?" Kate asks, folding her arms across her chest. "Cause after he saves my sister-in-law, he's got to take the older Jabies to soccer practice, the younger Jabies to nursery school and then I'm pretty sure I'll need him for a couple hours up in our bedroom when he gets back from the grocery store. So what is so important that you need to have my husband, Blondie?" Jules says that she knows what's wrong with Claire. "Why?" Kate asks. "Because I did it to her." she says, trying to muster up a few fake tears. Too bad you lost the ability to feel human emotions a long time ago, Jules.
Back from commercial, we find Kate hurrying up to Jack. She squeezes his bicep and whispers sweet nothings in his ear before they both turn and take off into the jungle to jex it up. Finally, TPTB know what the people want. Oh wait, she's just leading Jack to Jules who's hiding out in the trees. Oh well, I knew it was too soon anyway. Any couple that has sex this early in the series is doomed I tell ya. Sayid and Sawyer watch the new triangle from a little ways off. They both agree that Jules gives them tummy aches. Going into the new triangle's meeting, JuJu explains that Claire's body is having a reaction to medicine that was designed to keep her alive while she was pregnant. "Designed by who?" Jack asks. Juliet says that it was her that designed it because the women on the Island can't have babies and she was using them all as her personal guinea pigs. "Every pregnant woman on this Island died." Jules says as Kate looks over at Sun. Dun, dun, dun... upcoming plotline bunny strikes again! "That is... every pregnant woman until Claire." Juliet says. "What did you do to her?" Jack asks. Juliet explains through Season 1 regurgitated scenes that Ethan was taking blood samples and administering vaccines to Claire until they found out he wasn't on the plane. She says that he improvised and kidnapped her on his own. Juliet explains that Claire's immune system is going into a form of withdrawal and she wants to go get Ethan's conveniently hidden stash of extra vaccine that are up at the caves. "If I go right now, I can be back before it's too late." Juliet says. Jack turns to Kate and looks to her first for any sort of answer. There's my sweet Season 1 Jack. Hmmm... Maybe he is playing Juliet. Sorry for calling you an idiot before. Kate shrugs her shoulders and they do a little eye copulating as they try to figure out if they should trust her or not. Jack finally turns and tells Juliet to get moving. Yeah, that's right. Hit the road, Jules. Jack doesn't want you here anymore. Oh, she's coming back? Dammit.
Back to JuJu Beans, we find her sneakily making her way through the jungle. She spots a tree with some sort of marking on it indicating that this is the spot where Darlton think Jex should happen in season 4. But for right now, it is just the spot where Ethan hid the meds. She digs through a bit of underbrush and finds the case and begins to open it. But before she can do that... she's got visitors. Sayid tells her to step away from the case. She tries to tell them it's medicine for Claire and that Jack knows about it. "Jack ain't here, right now... is he?" Sawyer says, and I may be wrong but I thought I saw a flash of fear in her eyes. That's what I like to see. Sawyer opens the case and it is the medicine. She was born guys but she wasn't born yesterday. She knew they would follow her and her story needed to match up. Plus, she actually does need to save Claire's life if she's going to gain any beach cred. Sawyer says that he's going to "test the validity" of Jules statement about him killing her if she told him everything she knew. "He means talk." Sawyer says, dumbing it down for everyone whose IQ is below Sawyer's. Jules says that they don't have time to do that. "We cleared our schedules." Sawyer snarks. I giggled and then glared. The nerve of that man... trying to make me like him by buttering me up with JuJu threats. Jules looks between the two guys and then narrows her snake eyes. She's got a new plan. Her tongue slithers out between her teeth as she tells them that it's funny that these two have suddenly become the camp's moral police. That's true, but I'm glad it was them and not Jack because Heaven only knows we wouldn't hear the end of how "Saint Jack" is such a jerk for policing the Island. She's curious about how long it was before Sayid told everyone how many people he tortured. "Do they know about Basrah?" she asks. Sayid glares at her as he rethinks his vow never to torture again and wonders where in the world he could get some boiling acid. The snake turns her attention to Sawyer and says that she's sure the first thing he did was tell everyone about how he had murdered somebody in cold blood the night before the plane took off. No, Jules, the first thing Sawyer did was light up a smoke in the middle of gasoline-drenched plane wreckage. TPTB decided from the beginning that he would be the smart one. "So why don't we just skip the part where you two pretend to be righteous." Juliet says. Here's another idea, Jules. Why don't we just skip the part where you pretend to be helping the Losties and go directly to the part where you stab everyone in the back and teach Jack a lesson in trusting Others. Juliet says that they're going to let her bring the medicine to Claire because the last thing they need is more blood on their hands. She reaches down and takes the case from Sawyer and leaves. And they just let her go. You might as well just slap a sign on JuJu's back - Master Manipulator at Work. Not to say that they shouldn't have let her go. Obviously, Claire needs the medicine but still... she just got the upper hand. Juliet - 1, Sawid - 0.
And we open on that lucky mother as Jack cools Claire's forehead with a rag. Juliet comes running through tentville and Jack grabs the case from her. Charlie asks how he can trust her when she's the one that did this to Claire. Charlie's usually not that smart. Bravo, Charlie. "I do trust her." Jack says and then asks Charlie to trust him. Charlie leaves the tent as Juliet prepares the needle. She says they should see results in a few hours. She goes to inject the needle but Jack grabs her hand and stops her. He says that if something happens to Claire, he won't be able to be Juliet's little protector boy anymore. I hide from the PB&Jers as I silently wish for Claire and heck, throw in Charlie too, to die so that I can further my selfish Jate plots. I'm sorry but I don't remember peanut butter. I remember standard black threads and guava seeds. By the way, how Jack said that line is beyond ridiculous. Not... "if anything happens to my baby sis, I will kill you myself." it's "if anything happens to the blonde chick, I won't be able to withstand the 40-member mob coming at you as I heroically fight for your honor." WTF, Jack. He's either very good or very stupid. I still have not made up my mind.... I'm as fickle as Kate is. Juliet tells Jack that she's already on her own as she inserts the needle into Claire's stomach.
Back from commercial, we find Aaron chowing down on Charlie's finger as Charlie sleeps with his hand in Claire's, making a little connection between the three of them. Awww.. Okay, I feel a little bad about wishing death on Claire and Charlie. Blame the bipolar Jacket blues. Claire stirs and smiles brightly at Charlie. She apparently doesn't know what kind of a commotion she's been causing. Charlie smiles at her and then they look at Aaron who's grabbing his wittle footsie-wootsie. Awww... Stop with this. It's making me weak. Then Aaron makes a noise and I swear he said "Claire". Eating oatmeal and speaking at two months... this baby is a super genius. No wonder the Island wants him. Plus, he's got good genes. Comes from his Uncle's side. Can you say "Jate is Fate", Aaron?
At the beach, Juliet is sitting in the sand by the water. Jack walks up to her carrying pillows and a blanket. Oh crap, they're not going to show Jacketsex right now, are they? He sits down beside her and tells her that Claire's awake. Juliet smiles a fake smile. Jack explains that there's a shelter they were using for shade and everyone says that she can set up camp there. She solves one little medical crisis and she's the friggin hero of the camp? This isn't supposed to be Jack's story. Jack says that everyone's willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. Nooooo.... They have all fallen under Blondie's voodoo spell. Not me, though. I will remain the vigilant lookout. Unless, I see Jacketsex and then somebody else is going to have to take over because I'll have to gouge my eyes out. Jack says that eventually the others are going to need some answers, though. "Why don't you?" Juliet asks. That's what we're all wondering, Jules. She wants to know why she doesn't ever have to explain herself to Jack. Cause you got a rockin bod and gorgeous hair, Jules. Oh and Jack hasn't been laid in 3 months. But Jack goes the gentlemanly route and tells her that when the sub blew up he saw something in her eyes. She wants to get off the Island more than anything else and that makes her one of them. Of course she wants to get off the Island. Her flashbacks consist mainly of her in various settings crying to go home. But that doesn't mean she's one of them. It means JuJu looks out for JuJu and uses whoever is furthering her goal at the time. And when it comes down to it, she will sell Jack out for a shot on that raft. Speaking of Season 1 plotlines... (good transition, huh) the camera pans out and we see Jacket sitting together looking out at the ocean. Where, Oh, where have I seen this shot before? I can't quite place it... Should we just start photoshopping Juliet's face on ALL Jate scenes? We can just have Jack and Juliet gathering passion fruit, Jack and Juliet sinking together, Jack and Juliet getting caught in a net... It will be awesome. I'm going to quote what I said last week when they stole our lines... It's pretty pathetic when you have to start stealing from the better ship because yours has hit rock bottom. Am I going to have to use this next week too, Darlton?
As Juliet ties the tarp onto her new shelter, she scans her snake eyes around the camp trying to figure out who would be the weakest link that she can use and abuse. She thinks herself right on back into a mini-flashback that happened right before "Left Behind." Ben is sitting in his wheelchair as Juliet sits at the table. Ben wants to go over their sneaky little plan again. Juliet says that she's going to drag Kate out into the jungle and handcuff herself to her. Then she'll tell her that the Others left her behind too. And if Kate catches her in the lie? No problemo... Jules will just admit to it and tell her that it was the only way to gain her trust. What then? Then they'll take her back to the beach. "I know you want me to go there, but after everything we've done to them, it's going to be a problem." Juliet says. Ben says that they've "activated the implant in Claire." "By the time you get to camp, you'll have a nice, big crisis to solve." Ben says. Lying Little Witch! So my opinion of Juliet was never high to begin with but she really stooped low this time. Claire was never sick in the first place. Ben tells her that they are hiding supplies for her at Ethan's drop point and that she should tell Jack she can save her because "he trusts you." At this moment back in beach time, Jacket lock eyes over the camp and Jack gets this giddy schoolboy grin on his face. 'I'm so getting lucky this season' he thinks. 'I'm so gonna screw him.' Juliet thinks. Totally different interpretations of the same words. Back to the scheming two, Ben asks her if she's alright and she says she's fine. He hands her a gas mask. "See you in a week." he says before wheeling himself out of there. At the beach, Juliet finishes making googoo eyes at Jack and turns around. Her face hardens into it's natural, stone-faced evilness and she reaches up to DOUBLE-CROSS the knot in her tarp. She's playing all of them which is why she should be made Queen of Manipulation Island. Ben will think she's doing his dirty work and then when something else comes along, she won't hesitate for a second to send Ben to his death. I'm betting on a JuJu/Ben death scene in the finale with JuJu coming out of it alive. I hope I'm wrong.