Random bags of high-fat/calorie junk food? Check... Ice-cold Coca-Cola? Check.... "Kate's #1" foam finger? Check... Dharma Adult Diapers? Check.... Alright then....LET'S GET READY TO RUUUUUUMMMMMBBBBBLLLLLLEEEE!
The recap starts out reminding us of the con that Sawyer pulled on his baby-momma Cassie. He tells her to go to Sioux City and that he'll meet her there but then Prince Charming gets a tad side-tracked with a bag of money and we all know that he never showed. Wonder if we could get Hurley to give him a bag of money to leave Kate alone? 10 to 1 he would take it. We then open on Kate who is still handcuffed in the game room. She is crouched in front of the jex table, holding a stick in her hands and anxiously bouncing up and down. Looks like she's as ready to get this catfight started as we are. Her eyes dart around the room like a caged tiger until she hears something. She pauses as she sees Juliet pass by the window. She hurries to her place behind the door and waits. Just as the door opens, Kate swings her stick around at Juliet's head. But luckily for Juliet and unluckily for me, Jules must have passed the Other's "Defend yourself against a crazed hostage" training course because she instinctively ducks, making the plate she was carrying smash to the ground. Drooliet grabs Kate's handcuffed hands and does a quick Judo move, causing Kate to flip onto her back. Wow... didn't know Blondie had it in her... reminding all of us, that means you especially Jack, that the repo-woman is just chock-full of surprises. Don't turn your back on her for a second. Kate hits the pavement with a sickening thud and then chokes out a cry, her breath knocked out of her by the Wicked Witch of the West. Juliet scowls down at her like the soul-less devil she is and then says that she was just bringing Kate something to eat. That's it... She was not trying to make a move on your man or get you bumped out of the way so she can take her rightful place as Queen of the Beach. No, she just wanted to go back to her old job of designated Other Waitress... "Enjoy your sandwich." she snarls (you may as well get used to me transforming everything JuJu says and does into an act of pure evil... because that's what she is... and if anything, I am a portrayer of unbiased honesty... No, really... Why are you laughing?) Kate continues to gasp for breath on the floor as Juliet flounces off to go meet up with Jack cause he's taking her out for dinner and a movie later.
We go to Kate's first flashback as Patsy Cline's "Walking after Midnight" strums melodically over a shot of a farm. Kate is standing by a beat up car as it gets raised up by a tow-truck. The tow-truck driver tries to be friendly with her and asks how long she's been on the road. She dismisses him by asking how long it will take to get fixed. He tells her 2 or 3 days. "Three days for a fan belt?" she shakes her head. "Welcome to Iowa." he laughs and opens the door for her. He introduces himself as Johnny and she says her name's Lucy. They pull up to a gas station and we see a woman holding out a bag of necklaces and explaining to Farmer Joe that they're all 18 carat gold. Kate and Johnny get out of the truck and Johnny tells Kate that he'll give her a ride into town but their conversation is stopped short by Farmer Joe and the woman who are now arguing. He says that he knows the necklaces are fake. The woman, who we now see is Sawyer's girl Cassidy, tells him that he doesn't have to buy them if he doesn't want them. Farmer Joe tells Johnny to call the police... Uh Oh... Miss Kate gets a tad nervous and has to fight back her flight reflex. Kate joins in the con...versation. She says that her dad owns a jewelry store and she can spot a fake. She gives Cassidy sixty bucks for one of them and Farmer Joe leaves them alone. Cassidy starts to leave but Kate stops her and gets her money back. "Why did you help me?" Cassie asks. "Just one girl watching another girl's back, I guess." Kate says. Cassie says that she thinks Kate just didn't want Farmer Joe to call the cops. They share a knowing look. It was kind of amusing seeing the two women Sawyer conned into sex in the same shot. Too bad we can't get Cassidy on the Island now... bet they could tell some embarrassing stories to everyone. Cassie tells Kate that she'll give her a ride into town if Kate will buy her a drink.
Back to the Island we find Kate playing Checkers with herself. The door behind her opens and she rolls her eyes and spits out a "What?" She turns around in surprise when she hears Locke say her name. She gets up quickly and asks what he's doing there. He has his right hand bandaged which probably means he got a few punches in on his kidney-stealing daddy. Locke says that the Others captured him but only temporarily. "I came to say goodbye." he says. "What the hell is going on?" she asks. She asks him if he's been brainwashed and then asks where Jack went. "Jack didn't go anywhere, Kate." he says, "He's going to have to stay behind like you." Kate's a little surprised at first but then begins to do a little boogie dance and chant something about fate and soulmates and how Blondie doesn't stand a chance. Or maybe that was me... Hmmm... Anyways, Kate tells Locke that he can't trust them and they're not going to take him home. "I don't want to go home." Locke says. He then tells her that he made a strong case for her and told the Others that she was a good person but then the Others told Locke what Kate had done. Kate glances guiltily away, trying to figure out if they had told him about how she had killed her father or how she had pity-sexed the conman up in a cage.... She goes with her worst sin and decides he knows about her and Sawyer. "Let's just say forgiveness isn't one of their strong suits." Locke says, still disgusted with the idea of a dirty bear cage porn tape. He starts to leave but she stops him with a barrage of questions... "Where's Jack? Where's Sayid? Have you seen Rousseau? When am I gonna get a piece of the ELCB?" "I'm sorry Kate" is all he can say before he disappears, still trying to erase the mental image of Kate and Sawyer doing their thing exactly where the bears used to do theirs... Kate stares after him and swallows nervously, obviously trying to do the same.
At the beach, we find Sawyer holding a book on his lap but not reading it. He is staring wistfully out at the ocean... 'I see a puppy in those clouds... no wait, it might be a duck.... Hmmmm.... clouds are pretty. Man, I sure do love this carefree, easy-going Island life. Wasn't there something I was supposed to be thinking about? I ate breakfast today, so that's not it... I played a few rounds of relaxing ping-pong... I read all of "War and Peace".... Nope, I guess there's nothing and no one else to be worried about.' Hurley comes up and interrupts his lovely daydreams by kicking him in the foot and then continues to walk down the shore a little ways. "Don't look at me, pretend we're not talking." Hurley says as he looks out at the ocean with his back to Sawyer. He says that there's going to be a vote the next day on whether or not to banish Sawyer. Oh Sweet! The producers must have gotten my letter. Do I even need to say that I vote yes to the hillbilly banishment? "Banish me where?" Sawyer says with a smirk. "Half a mile down the beach." Hurley says as he throws a rock into the water. Oh heck no... that's not nearly far enough. How about we shoot for the other side of the Island? I'm sure Smokey won't mind sharing... Hurley tells him that he needs to try and make amends with everyone. "I don't do amends." he says with a sneer. That's true... just ask Kate. 'Kate Who?' Sawyer ponders for a moment before returning to his fun cloud game. Hurley says that he should remind himself about all the good that comes from being a part of their society... "I mean you can't even feed yourself." Well that's just silly, Hurley. He did manage to get himself a nice fish biscuit. Sawyer interrupts him by saying that since he's not allowed to use nicknames for the next 3 days, 10 hours, and 15 minutes he'll just settle for calling him rotund, annoying and that he's ruining his damn view. See, I told you he's only interested in the clouds. And another thing, how come nobody called him out for nicknaming "Nina and Pablo" last week? How will he learn if we don't punish him? We need Sayid back... it was way too much fun last time. Hurley tells him that he's making a big mistake. Sawyer just scoffs.
We open the next scene on flies buzzing around a piece of bread on the floor. Kate is slowly waking up from where she is laying beside it, probably with a massive headache thanks to her waitress. She grabs the bread, tears off a piece and begins to munch on it. She's been with Sawyer... what's a little fly-infested bread to her? Suddenly she hears noises outside and rushes to the window to see a group of Others gathering outside with duffel bags. They put on gas masks and then start to rush off but not before opening the door to the game room and throwing in a canister which starts to spray gas everywhere. Kate hurries to kick it across the room and then puts a cloth over her face as smoke starts to fill the room. She tries desperately to get out but finally succumbs and falls to the ground. Her eyes slowly close giving us a nice transition to her flashback.
We open on a bar with, oddly enough, a pooltable in it. I swear they're beginning to multiply. I see them everywhere now... which isn't the worst thing in the world, since I also get to imagine a couple of other things too. But enough of that... Jack's not even in this flashback. Kate and Cassidy are shooting whisky shots and getting to know each other. Cassie asks Kate her name. Kate pauses and smiles before saying "Lucy." Cassie wants to know what her real name is and tells her not to think about it next time somebody asks her. Kate smiles and laughs, a little too trusting of the conwoman if you ask me. "Why Lucy?" Cassie wants to know. Kate says that "she's a Saint" and she memorized them all in Sunday School. "What makes a girl who went to Sunday School scared of cops?" Cassie asks as Kate downs another shot. Kate tells her the plotline to "What Kate Did". My poor, poor Kate... Rule Numero Uno of being a fugitive. NEVER tell a complete stranger what you did over a couple shots. Cassie wants to know why she killed her father. "Cause he was a bad guy." Kate says. Is that the rule? Bad guy = death... Does that include bad boys too? Just wondering.... Cassie asks what Kate is doing in Iowa and again Kate disregards any sort of fugitive secrecy rules and tells her that she's here to see her mother. Cassie says that's going to be hard to do since "the Feds will be watching her 24-7." "I'll figure something out." Kate says defiantly jutting her chin out. Cassie doesn't believe her. "Why? You want to help me?" Kate says. Cassie says that she'll help her and suddenly Kate gets suspicious. It's a little late for that, Kate, you already told her everything she needed to know. Cassie explains that she "fell in love with the wrong guy" (gigglesnort) and he conned her out of her life-savings. "He was a bad guy." Cassie says and then tells her she'll help her get a meeting with her mom because at least one of them deserves something good.
Back to the Island, we find Kate struggling to wake up. She opens her eyes and slowly focuses on the trees above her. She bolts upright and looks around to find herself in the jungle. She starts to turn only to find her hand is being weighed down by something or rather someone... no actually, I'm sticking with something. She looks down to see her left hand is now handcuffed to Juliet's right hand. The writers are a sick, perverted bunch... and I love them to death for that. Juliet is still laying on the ground unconscious and Kate's eyes widen as she looks over her and then out into the jungle.
Back to the beach, Sawyer is trying to prove to everyone how much he doesn't need them. How? With a piece of bamboo and some string. Nets? He don't need no stinkin nets...He's got a hillbilly fishin'pol'. He looks over at Sun and Jin who are down the beach hauling in their catch of the day. Sun starts to smile at Sawyer but then remembers she's a Jater and thinks better of it. "Ain't gonna get the Korean vote." Sawyer says as Sun and Jin walk away. Suddenly, his fishing pole starts to tug forward and he begins to wrestle with it. He throws the stick aside and just starts pulling on the string which is how most of the pros do it anyway. I thought it might turn into a really cliched cartoon and he would just end up pulling out a boot or tin can or something but luck seems to be on Sawyer's side today because he ends up with a big, fat fish. He lays it on the sand and glares at it for a few moments before slicing open it's belly. He mumbles a few curses as he tries to gut it but all he does is end up with fish goo on his hands. The next shot is of Sawyer walking up to Hurley who is laying out laundry to dry. Sawyer wants to make amends because he doesn't want to be banished. "Dude, you stink." Hurley says and then teases him about not learning how to gut a fish by now. Of course he didn't have time to learn how to gut a fish. He was too busy making up nicknames, reading all the books on the top 100 list, and screwing every available woman on the Island. "Can we just do this... make nice...." Sawyer says. "Apologize for calling me all those names." Hurley says. Sawyer thinks about it for a moment and then says he's sorry. He actually does seem sincere about it too. So is it just his OTP that he can't say sorry to, cause I'm confused. Or maybe it's Hurley who is actually his true soulmate.... Surley? I like it! I don't ship unless I see chemistry (which, on another note, is why I don't ship Skate) but these two are practically sizzling. The lovebirds head down the beach to "spread the love" as Sawyer calls it. Awww... their first date.
Back to Kate, she sits up and looks down at Juliet. She notices a pocket knife sticking out of JuJu's jeans. Kate looks up warily at Juliet but she still seems to be out cold. She slowly moves the knife out of her pocket and then glances up again. She flips open the knife right above Juliet's stomach and for a second I thought we might get to see what a Muffin's insides looked like. But Juliet must have also taken the Other's "Be on guard when handcuffed to your crush's girlfriend" training course because her hand shoots up and grabs Kate by the wrist. She groggily asks what she's doing out there and Kate yells at her that she doesn't know. "Why don't you let go of my wrist." she says which leads to a ten second staredown between Jack's girls. Juliet slowly releases Kate and then watches as Kate flips the knife around and starts to work at releasing the handcuffs. She sits up as Kate asks her what happened. She says that she was making a cup of tea when they gassed her house too. Kate grins wickedly (that's my girl) and asks what the Duchess of Aloe did to piss them off. The Duchess doesn't answer her though... just tells her that the knife is too big for the handcuffs and they need something smaller. "We're going back." Kate cuts her off. "What? They did this to us. Why would we go back?" Well Jules, I don't know how things worked on your side of the Island but when your soulmate is left behind you damn well go back for them. Kate yells at her that Juliet is saying "they" like Juliet wasn't (correction - isn't) one of them and didn't lock her in a cage and force her to have unprotected hillbilly sex while all the perverted Others watched them like a zoology experiment gone wrong. Okay, so I might have added a word or two in there but I'm sure Kate was thinking something like that. Kate says that they're going back to Otherville because everyone's gone anyway. She tells Juliet how she watched them leave and that Locke was going with them. "Going? Going where?" Juliet pecks at her. "He didn't exactly tell me." Kate says, frustrated. Juliet just cocks her head like a deranged rooster. Kate's wicked smile that magically appears only around certain Blondes comes back. (How in love am I with that smile... it may be better than her "Jack is the most amazing guy in the world" smile) "Welcome to the wonderful world of not knowing what the hell's going on." she says. Funny, I thought that was the world that us viewer's lived in.
Going to flashback, we find Kate rolling a suitcase down a drive. She knocks on the door of an apartment and Kate's mom, Diane, opens it. They stare at each other for a few seconds before apparently every cop in Iowa rushes to do a tackle and arrest. Edward Mars (the strange Marshall who had a thing for Kate even though he wanted to capture her) comes out and trains his gun on Kate. Actually, my first ship of Lost was Edward/Kate. Don't judge me... At least I never shipped the really creepy pairings like Jacket. Kate is forced to the ground by Edward and he flips her over only to reveal that it is actually Cassidy in disguise. "Who the hell are you?" Ed asks. "I'm just selling Bibles." Cassidy twangs and points to her suitcase. Edward pulls out a Bible from her case and then stands up in disappointment as Kate watches him through binoculars from down the road. I'm sorry but those two still get me flustered... not in the good, sweet way like Jate does but more in the kinky, so-very-wrong way. This must be what people who ship Skate feel like. So after that little detour down Twisted Psychology 101, we get back to Kate's flashback. She opens the door of a motel room and lets Cassidy in. Cassie pulls off her Kate-wig and tells her that they questioned her for half an hour. "It's a good thing I know how to lie." she said. Cassidy tells Kate that she doesn't know what she's up against and that if the Marshall ever gets his hands on her (Next Kate flashback... I beg of you) then it's going to be Kate or him. Kate says that she understands if Cassie has changed her mind and doesn't want to help her. Cassie does want to help her but she just wants to know that there's a good reason why she's lying to federal agents. Kate explains that her Mom was the one who gave her up to the police and she wants to know why someone she loves and someone who was supposed to care about her... betrayed her. "Then let's go find out." Cassie says.
Back to the handcuff twins, Kate is trying to find a trail to lead back to Jack. She starts to take off but Juliet doesn't budge and stops her. "It's going to rain. Don't you think we should wait till morning." the Evil Bi... I mean Juliet says. Kate glares at her before saying no. Kate knows "Jate in the rain" is one of the sexiest things on this planet and is intent on getting back to Jack before the next shower hits. She jerks the handcuff and pulls Muffin after her. They walk along in silence for a few moments before Kate begins to wonder out loud why the Others handcuffed the two of them together. "Ben has a thing for mind games." Juliet smirks. Ben has a thing for mind games or Ben has a thing for kinky threesomes? "Is that why he left you behind." Kate says, bringing back her special "JuJu smile." I'm tempted to say that I no longer want Juliet to be killed off if it means I get to see Kate act like this for the rest of the season. Then again, that is really playing with fire seeing as then we might have to watch the vomit-inducing train wreck that would be Jacketsex. "Do we really have to talk?" Muffin asks. Poor muffin... her wittle, wittle feewings must be huwt. "Nope." Kate smirks as the thunder crashes and the rain begins to pour. Weather Girl Jules gloats and then sends it over to Charlie in Sports Talk for the latest on the results of Island ping-pong. Sawyer still sucks. Back to you, Weather Girl Jules. Kate starts to hurry off, desperate not to lose her "Jack trail" in the rain but JuJu is having none of it. "I hope you're not dragging me all the way back there with you for him..." she says as the rain starts to soak them. Kate gives her a "Oh no, you just di-int" look and says "Excuse me?" Toothpick decides to be a bit clearer in case anybody out there was wondering exactly who the "him" is that she is talking about. Of course, everybody with half a brain has already figured out who it is. It's Sawyer, right? It has to be... Sawyer's been the only person Kate talked and thought about for the past week. It's been almost non-stop "Sawyer this, Sawyer that, Sawyer, Sawyer, Sawyer...." So Jules starts to spell it out for the stupider folks of the world... "I hope you're not going back... for Jack." WHAT? I'm wrong? Dammit and I thought I was smart enough to figure that out too... So apparently Kate is going back for JACK and not Sawyer... Really didn't see that coming. Nice surprise move, TPTB. Juliet tells Kate that she was there when Jack told Kate not to come back for him and now that Kate has ruined his chances to get off the Island... OK, Sorry I've got to stop you right here because this is the moment we've all been waiting for. The moment that I prayed for, the moment I thought would never come, the moment when the Heavens looked down upon me and smiled is finally here.
Ladies and Gentleman, for your viewing pleasure tonight... In this corner... "the fugitive with the heart of gold", the pride of Lostie Beach, and Jack's OTP.... Kate!!! *Crowd Roars* And in this corner..."the Branded Beast", the shame of Miami, and the Other woman in more ways than one.... Juliet!!! *Crickets... Chirp, Chirp...* Alrighty then, let's get this catfight on the road!!!! Kate is getting noticeably angrier as Jules begins her rant about Kate ruining Jack's chances. Bad move, Drooliet. With one sweet, bone-crunching blow to the nose, Kate gets the first punch in and sends Blondie to the ground. Unfortunately, since they're still handcuffed together, Kate follows right after her. But as Muffin is still whimpering on the ground, Kate gets up and just starts to wallop and wail on her. This is too good. Who's got the popcorn? She gets another punch in and then knees Jules in the side. "And this is for putting me in the cages with the hillbilly... and this is for putting glass between me and Jack... this is for flirting with my man... and this is for touching his arm... and this is for fixing his meals.... Don't you know I'm the only one allowed to feed him.... even if it's sometimes drugged." she yells in between punches (this was totally not in my head, I swear.) After Kate's gotten a few good shots in, she starts to pull her up so she can bash her head into a tree, I'm sure, but Jules finally decides to join in the fight and does another of her Judo moves and flips Kate over her head. Fortunately, Kate's not done having her fun yet. She kicks Toothpick in the face (that's gonna leave a mark) and then jumps onto her back. She twists Juliet's left arm behind her back as JuJu whimpers. "You done?" Kate screams in her ear. Finish her, Kate! Juliet doesn't say anything. "I said are you done?" Kate screams again and pulls harder on her arm. Can you blame her? But fun time's over now because we hear a sickening pop followed by JuJu's ear-splitting shriek followed by my ear-splitting squeal of delight. Kate realizes that something is seriously wrong and turns her over as Jules continues to whine and cry, which is actually more soothing to me than a lullaby. Kate starts to apologize... "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..." Really Kate? Look deep down inside and picture her with her nails in Jack's back and tell me again that you didn't mean it. But before we can get to Round 2 of the WWF Kaliet Smackdown, we hear a loud roar in the jungle. Awww.. I missed Smokey. Kate glances around, eyes wide and frightened, wishing that she had Jack's protective arms around her right now. Juliet stops her shrieking long enough to ask what it is. We go to commercial with Kate still looking around, probably pissed that she didn't get a chance to disfigure Juliet's face some more.
Back from commercial, Smokey's roars are getting louder. Kate looks down at Juliet and yells at her to get up. "You dislocated my shoulder." Juliet whines and sticks out her pouty-lip. Ah Jules, pouty-lip only works when you're trying to get a doctor to put Aloe on you... Kate couldn't care less about your shoulder. "GET UP!" Kate yells and pulls Juliet up. They take off into the jungle, Juliet still crying louder than baby Aaron. They make their way to a hiding spot in the trees and crouch down. "What the hell..." Juliet starts to say something but Kate clamps her hand over her mouth. Great! Can we do the rest of the show like this.. heck, maybe even the rest of the season? Smokey does his creepy growl and then starts trampling down the trees with a roar. Kate and Juliet's eyes are both wide but Juliet looks out at the jungle while Kate looks away to the other side. Kate slowly removes her hand from Shrieky's mouth and then starts to tremble as Smokey grows quiet right outside their hidey-hole. Suddenly, Juliet is blinded by four brilliant white flashes from Smokey. He's taking her picture to put up on the Island's Most Wanted Jate Enemy List. No seriously, I have no idea what Smokey was doing but it doesn't seem like he saw Kate. Maybe it was scanning Jules to see if she was a goodie or a baddie. Put away the camera, Smokester... I can tell you the answer to that right now. Smokey retreats to do whatever Smokies do all day, leaving Kate and Juliet to finally let their breath out. "Are we safe?" Juliet whispers. "You tell me." Kate says.
Back to Sawyer's desperate attempt not to get his hillbilly hiney banished, we find Sawyer and Hurley watching Claire play with Aaron. "I ain't kissing no damn baby." he scowls. How effed up would a Skaby be with Sawyer as his dad? I shudder to think and am just praying that Kate's not late. Hurley tells Sawyer that Claire's vote is very influential and if she votes for him, then he's homefree. "Why wouldn't she vote for me?" Sawyer says. He says that he's never done anything bad to her. "Nah, but you never did anything good either. And have you even asked about Aaron." Hurley says. "I know how he is... he cries loud and he smells." Sawyer says. Not gonna win Aaron's vote that way, Sawyer. "See, that's what I'm talking about. You're sarcastic. People don't like that." Hurley says. Oh crap. Is this true? I'm sorry guys... I'm really actually pretty sweet when I'm not talking about hillbillies and muffins. No? Still not buying it? Hmmm.... I'm just going to quickly brush past this comment then. So Sawyer (My twin? Aaaaaaahhhh) asks Hurley what he should do. Hurley tells him to show an interest in Aaron, call her Claire, and give her a blanket that Hurley pulls out of his pack. Hey! Is that my Jex blanket? Sawyer walks over to Claire and starts to talk to her. She is understandably surprised at how pleasant Sawyer can actually be when he's not nicknaming everything and getting in the way of Jate. Sawyer tries to talk to Aaron but he just cries... Aaron's a Jater... Woohoo. He wants his Auntie Kate and Uncle Jack to be together. Claire asks Sawyer if there was anything he needed and he says that he just came by to tell Claire that Aaron's not as wrinkly as he was a couple of weeks ago. Seriously, a Skaby doesn't even stand a chance. Claire laughs and says "Thanks." Claire and I will give him credit for trying, at least. He hands Claire the blanket for Aaron and says that he doesn't like blankets. They say goodnight and Hurley gives Sawyer a thumbs up as he leaves. Okay Aaron, now you can give the jex blanket back. Come on.... I'm serious. Auntie and Uncle are gonna need that next season.
Back to 2/3 of the new triangle, we find Kate and Juliet still huddled in the trees but it has stopped raining now. I'm awfully suspicious of the appearance of rain anytime there's an action scene in the jungle or a passionate Jate scene. It disappears immediately when there is no longer any need for it.... almost as if it's written into the show like that or something. "Do you think it's gone? Are we safe?" JuJu asks, semi-concerned as Kate trembles in fear. "Are you serious? You've never seen that?" Kate asks. Either Jules really doesn't know what it is and that's why she's not that scared or she does know what it is and knows it won't hurt her. I don't really know what to believe but my new rule with Jules is to assume everything that comes out of that prissy little mouth is a lie. Just like the way I assume everything Sawyer does is some sort of a con. Juliet says that if Kate doesn't believe her she can always pull her other arm out of it's socket. Apparently Juliet hates herself just as much as I hate her. Kate gets really apologetic and says that she wasn't trying to do that. Juliet tells her not to flatter herself, that it's the fourth time it's been dislocated. I think Kate should be a little flattered. She managed to get the Judo Queen pinned in just a few seconds. Imagine how fast she could get Jack pinned against a tree.... Juliet tells Kate to pop her shoulder back in but Kate protests. "Right now it feels like there's broken glass under my skin and if it weren't for you, I would be on my way home, right now." JuJu says. "Jack told me not to come back to protect me... because he didn't want me to get hurt." Kate says. Funny, I don't recall JuJu saying anything about Jack and yet Kate manages to bring it back to him. Somebody's got a Doctor on the brain... "Is that what you think?" Jules asks, her beady little snake eyes leveling on Kate. "Yeah.. That's what I think." Kate snaps back. Juliet tells Kate that there were cameras on the cages and that Jack saw Sawyer and Kate. Kate's brow starts to crinkle and her eyes fill up with tears as the realization hits her. Her heart is breaking for Jack. Jules tells Kate that the reason Jack told her not to come back wasn't because he didn't want her to get hurt (total lie by the way). "It was because you broke his heart." Jules says. Kate's eyes show everything we need to see. She's broken now too. Juliet tells her to grab her wrist, push up, and twist. Kate gives her a death stare (maybe should have waited to tell her that until after she fixed your shoulder, Juliet) and then does as she tells her... perhaps just a little harder than necessary. Shrieky screams into the jungle as we fade to commercial.
Back to more vote campaigning, Sawyer and Desmond are lying in the grass holding out guns. Sawyer asks why they're up so early. Des says that this is when the boars break cover to eat. Sawyer says they must be sleeping in. He would know, wouldn't he... Des gets suspicious (rightfully so too) of why Sawyer's helping him catch boars when he's never said three words to him before. "My angle is that I've got hearts and minds to change and politics is all about bribes." he Southern drawls. He says that he needs to give the people what they want...*Cough* Hot, sweaty Jex *Cough*. But apparently, Sawyer doesn't know what everyone really wants because he says they want boar. THEY want boar, Sawyer? Or YOU want boar? Hmmm.... Des shushes him as he hears something and then all of the sudden Sawyer's OTP comes out of the bushes and grunts. Des levels his gun and shoots the boar, proving that once again Sawyer was completely useless and yet will take all the credit for it. And I'm still drooling over Desmond, in case anyone cares.
Back to the jungle, Kate wakes up with a start and sighs in relief as she realizes everything was just a bad dream... creepy Others feeding her breakfast, skex in a bear cage, Blondes stealing her boyfriend...just a bad dream. She starts to turn over to cuddle into Jack's chest but when she looks over, all she sees is the face that haunts every Jater's nightmares. She sighs in defeat now as she realizes it's all true. Bet that's not the half of Jacket that she was looking forward to waking up to. She asks Blondie how her shoulder is. "Awesome." Juliet replies. "Then let's get going." Kate says and they pull themselves up.
At the flashback, we find ourselves in a greasy spoon diner. Kate's mom, Diane, serves a disguised Cassidy a bowl of soup. Cassidy then "accidentally" spills the soup all over Diane's lap. She tries her best to get an Oscar as she delivers her "OMG... I'm sooooo sorry." act. Diane tells her it happens all the time and then goes to the bathroom to change as Cassidy watches with a very pleased-with-herself look. In the bathroom, Diane blots at her shirt with a paper towel and then looks up in the mirror with dread when she hears the bathroom stall door open behind her. Kate stands in the doorway awkwardly. "Hi Mom." she whispers. "What are you doing here, Katherine?" her Mom asks. Well, I'm not a genius, but since she just came out of a bathroom stall... Kate walks forward and smiles at her mom. "You look good." she says. Diane gets all huffy and wants to know again what she's doing there. Kate squares her shoulders and says she wants to know why Diane told them what she did to Wayne. "I thought maybe you came cause you wanted to say you were sorry." Diane says. Kate squints her eyes... "I'm not sorry." she says. "He hit you, he treated you like a dog..." she scowls in disgust (if you want to see this look, go watch the way Kate looked at Sawyer for the whole first season). "You can't help who you love, Katherine." Diane says. I've always taken the stance that Kate is Diane, Jack is Sam, and Sawyer is Wayne. The only difference with Kate and Diane is that Kate wants to want better for herself. Kate has shown time after time after time that she falls for the good guy and uses the bad guy for whatever suits her needs at the moment. So no matter how hard she tries to push it with Sawyer.... she just can't help who she loves. Don't make me spell it out for you. What a truly glorious day it will be when anybody on that friggin Island recognizes their own psychological issues that we've had figured out since their first flashback. Diane says that for good or bad she loved Wayne and that Kate burnt him alive. "You murdered him in cold blood." Diane almost cries. "I did it for you." Kate whispers. "No." Diane says. "What you did, you did for yourself." Exactly. Thank you, Diane. Kate did it for herself because she couldn't stand that Wayne was in her blood. She couldn't stand that she actually had to share the same genes with someone like that, only giving us further proof that she wants better for herself. Diane tells her that she'll let her get away this time but if she ever sees Kate again, the first thing she will do is yell for help. Yeah! We finally got the answer to why Kate's mom started freaking out in the hospital when Kate went to see her in "Born to Run." It's comforting to know that the writer's don't forget or change what their initial plan was. Looking back on the first season, I vaguely recall Kate throwing a left hook at Sawyer, calling him a pig, and sending him death glares after he outed her. And why do I remember guava seeds, second chances to start over, and sinking? Odd. Back to the story, Diane walks away, leaving a sobbing Kate behind, probably because she's trying to figure out what card she's going to send her now for Mother's Day. Thanks for not ratting me out this time, Ma. Happy Mother's Day!
Back to the jungle, Kate and Juliet are walking together. "Did he say that to you?" Kate asks. "Sorry?" JuJu says. "That I broke his heart." Kate replies. It's killing her that she has to ask her enemy about her guy but it's killing her even more not to know. "He didn't have to." Jules says. That's kind of a Jatish statement, Jules. You do know that you're supposed to be for Jacket, right? It means that the pain and the heartache that Jack felt were so clearly evidenced and written on his face that even a complete stranger could see it. Kate doesn't take it that way though... she's got her defenses up and takes it that Jules is implying she knows him well enough to see that. Show me anyone on this planet who couldn't see Jack was hurting. Kate says that Juliet doesn't know anything about Jack. Toothpick stops her and runs through her list of stalker facts that Ben gave her. Wonderful, JuJu. I memorized facts on the Presidents. That doesn't mean I know what Abraham Lincoln's hands feel like on my hips or how George Washington kisses, now does it? "What do you know about him, Kate?" Juliet asks. Kate stares up at the sky and then tries to fight back a full-on dimpled Cloud 9 smile. 'I know how his tongue tastes like the ocean, I know how his hands always instinctively find the small of my back, I know how his eyes sparkle when they lock on mine, I know how he tries so hard to keep me safe and warm... And maybe I wasn't given the Encyclopedia Britannica of Jack but I know the real Jack Shephard. I have seen his soul as he has seen mine.' Kate thinks. (I have superpowers and can read minds - in case anyone was wondering how I know that.) Kate wisely decides not to share this bit of poetry with Juliet because Jules doesn't have a heart so this wouldn't affect her anyway. "Let's go." Kate says and starts to walk off. Suddenly Smokey starts his chirping and Kate spins around, eyes wide. Kate has to tell Juliet to run three times because she's not smart enough to do that on her own. They take off through the jungle, but Juliet must have big clown feet or something because she falls, dragging Kate down with her. They both land face first in a mud puddle. What was the purpose of this? Oh, I know... two girls get dirty therefore we must get a girl shower scene. Sorry dudes, this is a later time slot not the porn channel. Although Sawyer would totally own this video if it was. So the now dirty girls (that sounds so bad) get up and start running again. Kate stops Juliet just before they get to the sonic weapon fence that did Patchy in a few episodes ago. Kate says that she knows what happens if you go through them but Jules screams that they're turned off. Kate doesn't believe her and starts to drag her along the side of it. "Damn it." Juliet says before reaching in her jeans pocket and pulling out a key. She unlocks the handcuffs to Kate's shock. Jules runs to the fence and starts entering numbers in a keypad on the side. "You're gonna want to be over here." Muffin says as Smokey gets closer. Kate is still unsure if she should trust the obvious liar. "Kate. Come on." Jules yells. Smokey crashes closer and Kate takes the leap of faith and jumps through the fence, holding her hands over her head. Juliet turns on the fence as Kate makes sure all her vital organs are still there and blood is not oozing out her ears. Suddenly, Smokey uproots another trail of trees. Kate starts to take off, still afraid of the Smokester but Juliet stands her ground. "Bring it on, Smokey." she yells out (not really). Suddenly Smokey comes out and goes full steam towards the fence. Juliet and Smokey are now within inches of each other... face to face, sort of. It kind of makes sense... the battle of the two most evil characters standing on opposite sides, glaring each other down. GO TEAM SMOKEY!! Smokey hits the fence and screams in pain before getting his smokey butt out of there. Kate gets her breath back and glares at Juliet. She goes over to her and gives her a slight push. Come on, Kate! You were walloping on her earlier... shove her harder... and preferably towards that sonar fence. If Locke can do it, you can do it. But Kate must be a bigger person than me because she just shakes her head at Juliet. "Okay, we don't know what it is but we know it doesn't like our fences." Juliet says. "You had a key?" Kate says angrily. Juliet whines about how the Others that she had spent three years with left her behind and how she was trying to make Kate think they were in it together so she wouldn't get left behind again. Awww.. Are we supposed to feel sorry for you, Muffin? I'll stick out my pouty-lip for you but that's about it. Kate shakes her head in disbelief at the hideousness that is Jacket and then walks over to Jules and grabs the key. She unlocks her side of the handcuffs and throws them on the ground. Apparently she has forgotten that she is going to get Jack and that those could be really useful for ummm... headboards or something. She walks off into the jungle. Jules pauses for a moment and then follows her. When did Kate say that she could come... cause I must have missed that.
At the beach we find Sawyer pouring beer on Juliet. Wait... hold on... upon closer inspection, I see that it is actually a boar on a roasting spit and not Jules. My bad. Anyways, seems like Sawyer is having himself a little luau with all the other Losties. Yep, everybody's here, right? Luaus are sure fun when you don't have to worry about anyone else who might be getting chased by smoke monsters or getting handcuffed to evil witches. Let's Par-Tay! As Charlie is chowing down, Sawyer says that he hopes everyone will remember this when they have their meeting. "What meeting?" Charlie asks. "Hurley told me about the vote." Sawyer says. "Vote? Since when did anyone around here vote?" he says, swigging a beer down. Sawyer laughs for a moment until the 6 brain cells that he has left manage to connect and create a spark. Son of a diddly, the conman's been conned! Again. Sawyer goes to confront Hurley about the con. "Wasn't it nice, being nice?" Hurley asks. "You tricked me into being decent?" Sawyer says. That's what it's apparently going to take. Sawyer says that it was a lame con... (that he fell for.) Hurley says it wasn't a con, that Sawyer's the new leader and needs to do damage control. They went to Sawyer? "What the hell are you smoking?" Sawyer says what I was thinking. What about Desmond? What about Jin? What about random redshirt guy #3? Surely there is somebody more qualified than the guy who hoards all the supplies and conned the whole camp out of their guns. "Look around... You made everyone happy." Hurley says. Sawyer looks around to see that, sure enough, everyone is happy. But mostly that's cause they haven't had to watch a Skate scene in almost a month... "What if I don't want to be the leader." Sawyer pouts. "I don't think Jack wanted it either." Hurley says. Are the writer's giving us a secret hint that Jack's not the power-hungry jerk everyone makes him out to be. That maybe, just maybe, he's the friggin hero of the show. "Sucks for you dude." Hurley says and walks off. No, sucks for all of us, Hurley. We fade into a musical montage of luau music as Sawyer and the rest of the camp throw away their worries and just enjoy being care-free. Nope, still not a care in the world for good Ol' Sawyer. We see shots of Des still being awesome, Claire letting Sawyer hold Aaron, and Sun giving the Jate Death Glare to Sawyer. Guess you can't change everyone's hearts and minds, huh?
Coming back to OtherSuburbia, Kate and Juliet reach the edge of the lawns. Juliet tells Kate that Sayid is in one of the backyards, still having fun on his swingset, and that she'll go get him. "You should get Jack." Jules says and then smiles, I mean... fakes kindness to trick Kate. Kate opens Jack's door and looks around to see that the living room is a complete mess. "NO! My perfect Jex house." she wails but then gets snapped out of it when she sees Jack lying on the floor in the hall. She almost trips over herself in her eagerness to get to him. "Jack, wake up. It's me." she says shaking him. To quote Sawyer... "There are nicer ways to wake a man up, Freckles." I'm sure Jack wouldn't mind you trying a few out on him. Suddenly Jack shoots up, making Kate slam back into the wall. She's okay, though. It's no worse than a Jex headboard. "What happened?" Jack asks groggily. "They all left." she says. Jack pulls himself up and we get a nice shot of the two of them making a mirror image of each other with their legs. Again with the subtleties and nuances in every Jate scene? Don't worry TPTB. We understand that it's Fate. You don't need to bang us over the head with it. "I'm so sorry. I should have listened to you. I never... " she trails off. Who here thinks she was going to say "I never meant to hurt you. I made a horrible mistake in that bear cage."? If you said yes, you were correct and deserve a cookie. "I wanted to come back to help you but you didn't need me to." she says. Well maybe not, but it gave us a nice break from the never-ending Skate we were having to endure. "And now because of me you can't go." she says as Jack holds his head in his hands. Well technically it was because of Locke but whatever. She starts to cry which breaks my heart every time she does that. Evi is friggin awesome at getting me, the girl who can't cry at anything, to bawl like a baby. "I'm so sorry... I'm so sorry." she apologizes for skex but Jack fights back his instincts to take her in his arms and let her sob. Why? I have no friggin idea. Maybe because the writer's are dead set on cramming every little bit of Jacket they can fit down our throats until we can't even breathe anymore. "And they just left? Even Juliet?" SEE! I told you. Kate bites her tongue back from calling both of them a few bad names and huffs. "No, they left her too." she says and I can see her immediately put back up her defense walls she had started to tear down for him... Jack is the only one who can hurt her just as Kate is the only one who can hurt him. "Why?" he asks. Ummmm... I believe I already told you why, Jack.... Remember? Writer's... cramming... "You know her better than I do." Kate says. Jack sighs and closes his eyes. Poor guy. Must be tough having two women madly in love with him. "Now what?" Kate asks. "Now... now we go back." Jack answers. Ooooh... Do I detect another subtle nuance? They're going to go back... back to the beach, back to square one in their relationship. And they'll do it right this time... they just have to get rid of two blondes first. Jack starts to pull himself up and Kate almost trips over herself again to help him. She holds him up by the waist to "steady him". Sure Kate, whatever you say.... So as Kate cops a feel, Jack puts his arm around her shoulders and they walk off together into the light at the end of the tunnel. Awww... they're so cute together. I'm sure glad that they got their 20th closure scene for the season in, though. Everyone needed to know that Jate was done. Aren't they? Oh sorry, my bad again.
To Kate's last flashback we go... Kate and Cassidy pull up in Cassie's car. Kate looks out at an empty car across the road and then thanks Cassie for everything. "So, this guy who ripped you off. You gonna give me his name.. tell me where I can find him?" James Ford aka "Sawyer"... 123 Conman Way, Conningville, Consas. Tell her, Cassie! You don't want another woman to have to suffer through pity sex with him, do you? But Cassidy is apparently a Skater and won't give him up. "You almost got arrested for me, Cassidy. I want to help you." Kate says. "I'm pregnant." Cassie says. "It's his, the baby's his. And I still love him." Cassie says starting to cry. Didn't Cassie have a drink with Kate earlier? WTF? Does she not know the effects of alcohol on a fetus? On another note...Oh my goodness! TPTB have just given us the perfect out. There is a reason why I don't seriously ship Desmond or Sayid with anyone. They've got soulmates waiting for them back in the real world and now so does Sawyer. You don't want to break up a happy home, do ya? Take poor little alcoholic Clementine away from her alcoholic daddy? "So call the cops, have him locked up." Kate says. How many SOB's do you think Sawyer would hurl at Kate if he knew about this? Makes me giggle thinking about it. Cassie asks if Kate will ever forgive her mom for calling the cops. "No. No, I won't" Kate shakes her head. "Thanks Lucy." Cassie says. "My name is Kate." Kate says and smiles at her before getting out of the car.
Back to New Otherton... we find Jack and Kate coming out of the house. Jack walks forward, leaving Kate standing at the door, to meet Juliet. They STEAL our "Hey, Hey, You okay, Yeah you?" Jate lines. How many times has Jate repeated these hallowed words and now Jacket is blatantly stealing them. I am not a happy camper with TPTB. You want to see two Doctors get it on? Fine, I can't stop you... But to STEAL Jate's lines. That's a low blow even for the skex writers... They knew exactly what they were doing when they wrote those lines... pure and simple manipulation. I guess I should take it as a compliment. When you have to resort to stealing the lines of the better ship, you know you've hit rock bottom on yours. Kate watches them, finding herself wondering where she's heard that conversation before. Sayid comes up to them and greets Jack. He says that he's checked all the houses and there are no weapons and no trail. "It's like fifty people disappeared into thin air." he says. Jack says that they should take what they can find and leave while they still have daylight. Or you could just move everyone from the beach here. Running water, roofs, and beds probably sound pretty good to the people in TentVille. Plus, I've got my eye on that little yellow one on the end where Jate could set up house. I may or may not have already started picking out nursery decorations. But Jack wants out of there, I guess. Too many bad memories of grilled cheeses and goopy Aloe. He starts forward and Juliet runs after him like the lapdog she is. Kate glares at them both. "She is not coming with us." Sayid says. You have no idea how happy I am to have the torturer on our side. It shall come in very handy, indeed. Jack turns back to him and says "Yes, she is." Dammit, what kind of voodoo spell did Blondie put on him? Kate's going to have to start working some of her Season 1 magic. She became comfortable and lazy with two guys fawning over her last year. It's time to break out the cute shirts, makeup, and damsel in distress act. Sayid wants to know why they're bringing Blondie back. He must not have heard my throat-cramming reason, either. "Because they left her behind too." Jack says. Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack... I'm disappointed in you. They left her behind, true, but they left her behind as a mole. I guess Jack's going to have to learn this lesson the hard way. Jacket go ahead together, merrily skipping and singing about the new triangle, while Kate hangs back with her good buddy Sayid. Good thinking, Kate. You'll need Sayid to give you a front-row seat when he begins to shove bamboo shoots up her nails.